Watching my Sapphire & Steel DVD box set, it occurred to me that not everyone has the time or the means to sit through 850 minutes of this stuff. I therefore present a handy condensed version that tells you everything you need to know about their adventures without having to watch any.
If you're looking for actual information about Sapphire & Steel, try here.
Sapphire & Steel: Adventure n
[Scene: a perfectly ordinary environment such as a suburban terraced house or perhaps a multi-storey car park. Suddenly, weird stuff happens.]
- Sapphire and Steel:
- [appear]
- Steel:
- Someone has been messing with Time and now there is terrible danger.
- Sapphire:
- The poor humans! We must save them!
- Steel:
- Bugger the humans, we must save the universe.
- Sapphire:
- Oh Steel, you're so cold and logical and strangely attractive.
- Steel:
- Yes.
[They investigate]
- Sapphire:
- How odd, there's nothing here, and no people.
- Steel:
- And I seem to have come up against an invisible wall.
- Sapphire:
- What does this mean?
- Steel:
- It means we blew our budget on the finale.
[Even though absolutely nothing is happening, it is nevertheless creepy and atmospheric, like a play by Harold Pinter]
- Steel:
- Quick, Sapphire, you must take back time!
- Sapphire:
- Why?
- Steel:
- Because I say so.
- Sapphire:
- [eyes glow blue]
- Sapphire:
- I can't Steel it hurrrrrrts! Ow ow ow the pain!
- Steel:
- Suck it up, bizzitch.
[More weird stuff happens.]
- Steel:
- That's it! Now I understand what's going on!
- Sapphire:
- No, seriously, what was the point of that?
- Steel:
- Pure sadism, frankly.
- Sapphire:
- God, you're hot.
F/X: normal, everyday noise with no discernible source
- Human 1:
- Who are you and what are you doing here?
- Steel:
- Never you mind.
- Sapphire:
- We're here to help.
- Steel:
- No we're not.
- Human 1:
- Fine, I trust you, angry strangers with slightly peculiar dress sense.
- Human 2:
- I am not actually a human but a mysterious evil temporal anomaly, and I shall be killing you now.
- Sapphire:
- Steel!
- Steel:
- Sapphire!
- Silver and Lead:
- [appear]
- Silver:
- Hello, gorgeous; hello, Sapphire.
- Lead:
- What up, my homies?
- Transuranic heavy elements:
- [may not be used where there is life]
- Steel:
- I shall lower my body temperature to absolute zero and look all tortured and vulnerable, like a hurt/comfort shipper's wet dream!
- Sapphire:
- And I shall take back time until I collapse in an exhausted heap, ditto!
[They do so]
- Mysterious evil temporal anomaly:
- Argh! [dies, or is banished to another dimension, or time period, or something]
- Steel:
- That's that taken care of. Let's go back to wherever we came from.
- Sapphire:
- Then can we make out?
- Steel:
- Yes. No. Maybe. Who knows? [stares directly into camera]
End credits roll over a starfield
- Audience:
- WTF?
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